I FEEL LIKE DYING

Ive been struggling in life for the past days.. months,, years. Ive been struggling a lot. Hoping to get some help. From Above, from you,, from anyone else.. Ive been stabbed, pricked, twitched, squeezed, until nothings left of me. Still, im walking towards the so called circle of life with my damaged wings, overused brain, mulfunctioned heart, obsolete mind, and numb soul. Hoping for the sun.. for the wind.. for the clear blue sky... Wishing for tomorrow's good weather. Rainbows and butterflies.. cakes and munchkins. When would that be.? I wonder why it took so long. Im getting out of breath. Im drowning.. im starting to die. will i be able to wait.? Will i? Can i? Save me,, help me,, hold my hand,, never let me go.

I'M LONELY; LOVE PLEASE FIND ME.

I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm alone. I'm depressed. I'm so down. And it saddens me. Can't explain this melancholic feeling within me. It's killing me inside. I can't think, I can't breathe. I'm lost. Where I am? Is someone looking for me? Is someone out there? Are you there? I'm over here. I'm right here. I'm waiting for you. What took you so long? I've been here all along. I've been waiting for you.Where are you? Are you looking for me too? Please look for me. Please find me.  Please find me now. I can't stand the pain anymore. I can't stay here anymore. Please come here. I'm begging you. Please. . .

I FEEL WORTHLESS

Sometimes , we feel just left behind, forgotten, or set aside. That awful feeling when someone made you realize how unworthy you are in their story even though you gave your all. In the end, you’re just a lame  extra in the movie. I'm telling you, it’s always been an issue between me and myself.

I can describe myself in a quote “Your bestest friends, and your worst enemy”. But let’s just focus on the firs phrase.

I’m this kind of person who gives my all when it comes to dealing with other people. I’m not an  FC (feeling close) ,rather, I value that person so much that I can’t afford to give him/her  an effortless treatment. I mean, maybe I value friendship more than other people do. I don’t know, maybe because I’m single, and friendship is the only  thing  that I can call MINE that’s why I really pay my 100% attention and effort to the person. Maybe I just can’t afford to lose them because they’re the only thing I have.

But here comes the sad part. Why do I always feel awful in return? I think it’s unfair. I don’t know. I know it’s bad to think that way. But as I sort things out, I just ended up as the one being left behind. That “hey, I gave much effort to make your life a good one, then what now?” The feeling keeps on bothering me. I just feel useless. UNDERVALUED.  They were just saying  “who cares if you exist or not” in my face. Why do I feel this way? 

I'M OK; BUT NOT TODAY

Ive been thinking a lot these days. Asking (I dont know, maybe myself) why on earth am i still alone?(i mean , not literally alone, but romanticaly ALONE)..

I don't know where to start, but as to what my heart is feeling right now, i think its in a melancholic stage at this very moment (thanks to my tumblr's background music:its add to the loneliness of my empty heart)

I came across my friend's fb account (because i saw a familiar surname). and geezz.. She's in relationship with that familiar creature.. (wait.. the music just stopped, so my writer feeling was paused.. just a sec, i just have to load my tumblr page again.hihi )okay,i'm back...

i'm really good at it.. so good at it.. you know, hiding, pretending, fooling myself.. telling others i'm okay but absolutely not. Maybe yes. I'm okay. Sometimes.. Believe me. There are moments where im so much satisfied and contented with my life. And those times are just so perfect that i almost forgot that im lonely cuz im alone. That im happy even though I'm single.. Being with my family, friends, and even people who looked up into me. Simple as that. On the other hand, Honestly, some of those moments made me think of the quote "Money can't buy happiness" . Hey! sometimes, IT DOES. Temporarily maybe...

to connect the dots..

Upon seeing my friend's account, (actually i invaded her account, u know, scrolling,scrolling) i suddenly felt so sad. I don't know. Maybe i miss (not the person) the feeling of having someone. Maybe i suddenly need love, care, and security from someone. Yestermonths, was an awesome feeling for me. Sadness even left me during those times. But lately (i mean hours before) i was down and kind of sad. How come he has someone while i have no one? What's wrong with me? Am i really incapable of having both happiness in both my studies and love? 

It's been 2 years since my ex and i broke up. Now that im emotionally stable(or maybe not yet?haha), maybe its time to find my someone. (but where can i find him?)  it kills me inside knowing that he's nowhere to be found..

Haay. Its one of those days again.Maybe im OK... But not today....

one of the many

It all starts with knowing a guy who makes you believe he's different, makes you fall for him, sweet talks, be your Good morning & Good night. Few months later, conversation fades, he has found another, you realize he's just like the other guy you thought he'd never be. Never saw it coming. 

*17 most important things to remember in life*

1. Never give up on anybody;miracles happen everyday.

2.Be brave even if your not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.

3. Think big thoughts, relish small pleasures.

4. Learn to listen. Oppurtunity sometimes knocks very softly.

5. Never deprive someone of hope, it might be all they have.

6. Strive for excellence, not perfection.

7. Don't waste time greiving over past mistakes. Learn from them and move on.

8. When someone hugs you let them be the first to let go.

9. Never cut what can be untied.

10. Don't expect life to be fair.

11. Remember:Success comes to the one that acts first.

12. Never waste an oppurtunity to tell someone you love them.

13. Remember that nobody makes it alone. Have a greatful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who help you.

14. Never underestimate the power of a kind word or deed.

15. Laugh alot.A good sense of humor cures almost all of life's ills.

16. Don't miss the magic of the moment by focusing on whats to come.

17. Watch for big problems. They disguise big oppurtunities.

to my ever caring and loving lolo..

"Sorrow comes in great waves...but it rolls over us, and though it may almost choke us.it passes and we remain." 

He was a father, a brother and a friend to all of us. I’m sure each and every one of you here today has something to share on how my grandfather touched your life. He shared a lot of good memories, especially with us, his grandchildren. We shared lots of things together. Partz as I call him was a very strong man and he always got her way. A man as humble and loving as Partz will always be remembered by those of us who knew him and loved him. Although we will miss him, his smile, his pranks, his love, we take consolation in the good feelings of our memories.

Since my mom is teaching, gina bilin kami ni mommy kanday lolo.. Sa bilog nga adlaw, si lolo kag si lola lng ang gabantay sa amon. Kung hapon, gina patulog kami ni lolo.. kung indi ganei kami mag tulog ga promise siya sa amon na baklan ya kami chocolate mag bugtaw kami.. pag bugtaw namun, may cloud 9 na nga gahulat sa amon.  Sometimes, gina upod ya na kami mag kadto sa iya uma while riding on his karosa.. saja2 gd kami everytime magpauma siya kay masakay naman kami sa karosa ni LOLO..  When we started studying where my mother used to teach, mejo kis a na kami ga kit anay ni lolo.. ga kadto lng kami sa ila ni lola every weekends and kung may special occasions. But sometimes , ga kadto siya sa uma, sa balay.. u will know if ara siya kung mag lagatik na ang mga taklob sang kaldero kag spoon and fork.. ma ask na siya dayun, ano dapli nu dyan? Since indi pde kay lolo ang too much fatty and oily foods, gina saway siya namun. Ga pati man siya. Kis-a.. Everytime we get perfect on our daily quizzes or even exams, gna tipon namun ang amun mga paper kag I baligya kay LOLO kag daddy.. excited kami na dayun puli kay may money naman kami halin sa iya.. I can still remember , gna bakal ya tag 50 cents every perfect na paper namun… since si lolo amun una nakadtuan, wala na si daddy baklun na perfect quiz kay gn bakal na ni lolo tanan.  everytime may special occasion, gina hulat ya gd na kami tanan mag alabot before mag start.  Mag kadto na siya sa balay, gina sugo niya kami na nga I on ang tv kay malantaw siya kuno boxing or basket. After an hour, tulog na siya ya ga nganga2 sa sofa.. kis a gapungko pa na nga tulog nga may kalo pa kag baston  nga gna ipit ya sang tuhod ya.. kung munuhon muh na siya ganei, I deny ya  pa na nga tulog siya.. when I graduated,he awarded me my medal.I can see it in his eyes, that he was so happy and proud..  when I stepped 18, partz was my 2^nd dance. Maski nabudlayan na siya mag saot2, gn saot ya ko jpun. Na sajahan gd na siya pag kumpleto kami sa balay niya.. maski gahod kag gamo, tulukon ya lng na kami kag mag kadlaw man. When partz was admitted, gn hambalan ya kami ni G.B na baklan siya knu namun shaver kay law ay na siya knu.. and everyone in the room just laugh. When he was sent back to the hospital , we were there from the ER to the ICU. And I can see how Partz struggled and fought His last battle.  From there I can say that he’s a very strong man. as I entered the ICU, I wanted to tell him lots of stuffs, but all I did was cry. 2 days after q pa nabal an na wala na si lolo.. I already had the feeling but it was the time pa nga nakita ko na siya lying in his coffin, tanan nag sink in na sakon.. wala na ko Lolo.. wala na si Partz..wala na ko mongo bread..

We may no longer see him but we’ll always have these special moments we shared with him. He will always have a special part in our hearts. Let’s just be thankful that we knew a great man like my grandfather. As what my tito nuk said pasalamat ka kay lolo mo so Guyo. Maski ano ka budlay, waay gd ga reklamo...

i love u partz.. <3 <3 <3 

a reminder from Bro

when the people you look up to takes you for granted, when you feel betrayed, when you feel that you are not treated with proper respect as a person, when you feel like your heart is going to burst but you have no one to talk to but God, when you feel alone, when you feel that you are being abandoned, when you feel that you’re out of place, when you feel that you’re being misleaded and given false hopes, when you feel that you know you are matured enough to understand things yet it still hurts, when you want to accept the circumstances and your defeat, when you feel like sobbing and crying your heart out, when you feel like asking God “is this the cross i have to bear?”

The Lord hears you! The Lord hears your cries, sees your tears and knows your heart. You may not understand the purpose why and when these pain will stop, but you can count on one thing: The Lord’s faithfulness to us. That while you are crying and hurting, He understands your pains too. That all these time when we are telling Him how hurt we are, He is waiting for His turn to comfort us and to reassure us that what we are experiencing right now is just a portion of what He will soon reveal to us. That this pain is TEMPORARY, and when we truly see Christ in this pain, He will bring us peace. And you will know that God is everything and nothing else matters. ♥ :") 

(c)nikka with ♥

copy cat much??

why so copycat dear?

i don't know if this is wrong but, i really hate people doing the things that i do, saying my signature words and even how i speak those words.. like, could u have ur own style of speaking or could u do that stuff in ur own different and original way? and by the way, will u stop buying things which is similar to mine? uggghhh!! its really getting into my nerves.. SERIOUSLY!!

and the f*cking thing there? i was the one who was tagged to be the one copying u.. maygad!

its not u anymore dear... stop it...

i love u :)

10 Reasons To Never Give Up

1. As long as you are alive, anything is possible. The only valid excuse you have to give up is if you are dead. As long as you are alive (and healthy and free) you have the choice to keep trying until you finally succeed.

2. Be realistic. The chance of mastering something the first time you do it is almost non-existent. Everything takes time to learn and you will make mistakes. Learn from them.

3. You are strong. You are stronger than you think. One little setback is not enough to stop you from achieving your goals. Neither are 10 or 100 or 1000 setbacks.

4. Prove yourself. You don’t want to be known as someone that is weak and gives up. Go out there and prove yourself to the world and to yourself. You CAN and WILL achieve what you set out to do. The only time you fail is when you give up.

5. Believe in your dreams. Don’t sell yourself short. In life there are going to be many people who will try to bring you down and tell you what you want to achieve is not possible.

6. Your family and friends. Let the people you love and who mean the world to you be your inspiration to persist and persevere. Maybe you need to try a different angle, study more or practice more but don’t give up!

7. There are people worse-off. Right now there are many people who are in a worse situation and environment than you are. Are you thinking about giving up running 5 miles a week? Think about the people who are unable to even walk and how much they would give to be able to run 5 miles every day.

8. You deserve to be happy. Don’t ever let anybody tell you otherwise. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to have success. Keep that mindset and never give up until you reach your destination!

9. Inspire others. Be an inspiration to others by refusing to give up. Who knows what someone else can achieve because you never gave up and in turn inspired them not to give up.

10. You are so close. Often when you feel like you want to give up you are so close to making a huge breakthrough. You are just a heartbeat away from success.

Begin Again

one of the best thing we can do in our lives is this: BEGIN AGAIN..


begin to see yourself as you were
when you were the happiest and the strongest you've ever been..

begin to remember what worked for you
(and what worked against you)
and try to capture the magic again

begin to remember how natural it is when you were a child
to live a lifetime each day

begin to forget the baggage you have carried with you for years..
the problems that don't matter anymore.
the tears that cried themselves away.
on the shore of tomorrow's new beginning

tomorrow tells us it will be here every new day of our lives
and if we will be wise,
we will turn away from the problems of the past
and give the future--ourselves--a chance..
to become the best of friends.
sometimes, all it takes is a wish in the heart to let yourself..
BEGIN AGAIN.... 
:)

be brave (by:Bree Hodges) got this from tumblr

Be Brave!
Fight those who fight you with
Courage!

Courage to stand up,
For what’s right!
Courage to stand up,
For the weak!
Courage to know,
When a battle is lost!

Let the passion rise up and erupt,
In a firey blaze!

Be Brave!
Don’t fall to those who are weaker,
And whisper with forked tongues,
When your back is turned.

Use your courage,
To stand your ground,
And not fight back.
Use your courage to,
Forgive those who have wronged you.

Be Brave!
And use your courage to,
Know when to fight.

~ Bree Hodges

rest in peace papa hernan :(

This was the time when we visited papa hernan’s wake(my bedtfriend jen2x’s father).. Its 5:30 am. Me and Ericka my bestfriend were waiting for a ride home.we arrived at about 6 in the ev’n.. me, ericka, lhera mea, cyrus, neslhee and the rest of our batchmates stayed there to sympathize.. and yeah! i can’t believe it! i stayed awake for more than 24 hours( since i have to go back to school the following day for my Pharmacy on Stage concert rehearsal and later in the evn’n i visited my mom on thier GSP BSP Camp in her skul.)

indeed life is very short… the death of papa hernan was really unexpected. he had cardiac arrest,.the irony there is that mama grace(his wife) just got out of the hospital for having stroke.tsk. so much pain for the family. not just emotionally but financially as well. that time, jen2 and jopet(jen2’s bro) is having fever and its jen2’s final examination then theres her mom,half paralyzed sitting on her wheelchair.. tragic isn’t it?

i can still remember when papa hernan told me ” inday dorenne, ndi ka gd anay mag seryoso migo2.lantawa si jen2. mamana na na xa iya.hahaha… kadalagko na sa inyo nuh?dasig lang.”

jen2x is my bestfriend. were classmates since kinder. thats why papa hernan and the gimotea family is not a stranger to me. papa hernan and dad were friends.. i can still remember what papa hernan told my dad ” kung diin imu bata ma hs, dira man akun bata ah”. papa hernan is a good father husband and provider to his family.. tsk.. 

rest in peace papa hernan..