I FEEL LIKE DYING

Ive been struggling in life for the past days.. months,, years. Ive been struggling a lot. Hoping to get some help. From Above, from you,, from anyone else.. Ive been stabbed, pricked, twitched, squeezed, until nothings left of me. Still, im walking towards the so called circle of life with my damaged wings, overused brain, mulfunctioned heart, obsolete mind, and numb soul. Hoping for the sun.. for the wind.. for the clear blue sky... Wishing for tomorrow's good weather. Rainbows and butterflies.. cakes and munchkins. When would that be.? I wonder why it took so long. Im getting out of breath. Im drowning.. im starting to die. will i be able to wait.? Will i? Can i? Save me,, help me,, hold my hand,, never let me go.

I'M LONELY; LOVE PLEASE FIND ME.

I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm alone. I'm depressed. I'm so down. And it saddens me. Can't explain this melancholic feeling within me. It's killing me inside. I can't think, I can't breathe. I'm lost. Where I am? Is someone looking for me? Is someone out there? Are you there? I'm over here. I'm right here. I'm waiting for you. What took you so long? I've been here all along. I've been waiting for you.Where are you? Are you looking for me too? Please look for me. Please find me.  Please find me now. I can't stand the pain anymore. I can't stay here anymore. Please come here. I'm begging you. Please. . .

I FEEL WORTHLESS

Sometimes , we feel just left behind, forgotten, or set aside. That awful feeling when someone made you realize how unworthy you are in their story even though you gave your all. In the end, you’re just a lame  extra in the movie. I'm telling you, it’s always been an issue between me and myself.

I can describe myself in a quote “Your bestest friends, and your worst enemy”. But let’s just focus on the firs phrase.

I’m this kind of person who gives my all when it comes to dealing with other people. I’m not an  FC (feeling close) ,rather, I value that person so much that I can’t afford to give him/her  an effortless treatment. I mean, maybe I value friendship more than other people do. I don’t know, maybe because I’m single, and friendship is the only  thing  that I can call MINE that’s why I really pay my 100% attention and effort to the person. Maybe I just can’t afford to lose them because they’re the only thing I have.

But here comes the sad part. Why do I always feel awful in return? I think it’s unfair. I don’t know. I know it’s bad to think that way. But as I sort things out, I just ended up as the one being left behind. That “hey, I gave much effort to make your life a good one, then what now?” The feeling keeps on bothering me. I just feel useless. UNDERVALUED.  They were just saying  “who cares if you exist or not” in my face. Why do I feel this way? 

I'M OK; BUT NOT TODAY

Ive been thinking a lot these days. Asking (I dont know, maybe myself) why on earth am i still alone?(i mean , not literally alone, but romanticaly ALONE)..

I don't know where to start, but as to what my heart is feeling right now, i think its in a melancholic stage at this very moment (thanks to my tumblr's background music:its add to the loneliness of my empty heart)

I came across my friend's fb account (because i saw a familiar surname). and geezz.. She's in relationship with that familiar creature.. (wait.. the music just stopped, so my writer feeling was paused.. just a sec, i just have to load my tumblr page again.hihi )okay,i'm back...

i'm really good at it.. so good at it.. you know, hiding, pretending, fooling myself.. telling others i'm okay but absolutely not. Maybe yes. I'm okay. Sometimes.. Believe me. There are moments where im so much satisfied and contented with my life. And those times are just so perfect that i almost forgot that im lonely cuz im alone. That im happy even though I'm single.. Being with my family, friends, and even people who looked up into me. Simple as that. On the other hand, Honestly, some of those moments made me think of the quote "Money can't buy happiness" . Hey! sometimes, IT DOES. Temporarily maybe...

to connect the dots..

Upon seeing my friend's account, (actually i invaded her account, u know, scrolling,scrolling) i suddenly felt so sad. I don't know. Maybe i miss (not the person) the feeling of having someone. Maybe i suddenly need love, care, and security from someone. Yestermonths, was an awesome feeling for me. Sadness even left me during those times. But lately (i mean hours before) i was down and kind of sad. How come he has someone while i have no one? What's wrong with me? Am i really incapable of having both happiness in both my studies and love? 

It's been 2 years since my ex and i broke up. Now that im emotionally stable(or maybe not yet?haha), maybe its time to find my someone. (but where can i find him?)  it kills me inside knowing that he's nowhere to be found..

Haay. Its one of those days again.Maybe im OK... But not today....

one of the many

It all starts with knowing a guy who makes you believe he's different, makes you fall for him, sweet talks, be your Good morning & Good night. Few months later, conversation fades, he has found another, you realize he's just like the other guy you thought he'd never be. Never saw it coming. 

*17 most important things to remember in life*

1. Never give up on anybody;miracles happen everyday.

2.Be brave even if your not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.

3. Think big thoughts, relish small pleasures.

4. Learn to listen. Oppurtunity sometimes knocks very softly.

5. Never deprive someone of hope, it might be all they have.

6. Strive for excellence, not perfection.

7. Don't waste time greiving over past mistakes. Learn from them and move on.

8. When someone hugs you let them be the first to let go.

9. Never cut what can be untied.

10. Don't expect life to be fair.

11. Remember:Success comes to the one that acts first.

12. Never waste an oppurtunity to tell someone you love them.

13. Remember that nobody makes it alone. Have a greatful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who help you.

14. Never underestimate the power of a kind word or deed.

15. Laugh alot.A good sense of humor cures almost all of life's ills.

16. Don't miss the magic of the moment by focusing on whats to come.

17. Watch for big problems. They disguise big oppurtunities.

to my ever caring and loving lolo..

"Sorrow comes in great waves...but it rolls over us, and though it may almost choke us.it passes and we remain." 

He was a father, a brother and a friend to all of us. I’m sure each and every one of you here today has something to share on how my grandfather touched your life. He shared a lot of good memories, especially with us, his grandchildren. We shared lots of things together. Partz as I call him was a very strong man and he always got her way. A man as humble and loving as Partz will always be remembered by those of us who knew him and loved him. Although we will miss him, his smile, his pranks, his love, we take consolation in the good feelings of our memories.

Since my mom is teaching, gina bilin kami ni mommy kanday lolo.. Sa bilog nga adlaw, si lolo kag si lola lng ang gabantay sa amon. Kung hapon, gina patulog kami ni lolo.. kung indi ganei kami mag tulog ga promise siya sa amon na baklan ya kami chocolate mag bugtaw kami.. pag bugtaw namun, may cloud 9 na nga gahulat sa amon.  Sometimes, gina upod ya na kami mag kadto sa iya uma while riding on his karosa.. saja2 gd kami everytime magpauma siya kay masakay naman kami sa karosa ni LOLO..  When we started studying where my mother used to teach, mejo kis a na kami ga kit anay ni lolo.. ga kadto lng kami sa ila ni lola every weekends and kung may special occasions. But sometimes , ga kadto siya sa uma, sa balay.. u will know if ara siya kung mag lagatik na ang mga taklob sang kaldero kag spoon and fork.. ma ask na siya dayun, ano dapli nu dyan? Since indi pde kay lolo ang too much fatty and oily foods, gina saway siya namun. Ga pati man siya. Kis-a.. Everytime we get perfect on our daily quizzes or even exams, gna tipon namun ang amun mga paper kag I baligya kay LOLO kag daddy.. excited kami na dayun puli kay may money naman kami halin sa iya.. I can still remember , gna bakal ya tag 50 cents every perfect na paper namun… since si lolo amun una nakadtuan, wala na si daddy baklun na perfect quiz kay gn bakal na ni lolo tanan.  everytime may special occasion, gina hulat ya gd na kami tanan mag alabot before mag start.  Mag kadto na siya sa balay, gina sugo niya kami na nga I on ang tv kay malantaw siya kuno boxing or basket. After an hour, tulog na siya ya ga nganga2 sa sofa.. kis a gapungko pa na nga tulog nga may kalo pa kag baston  nga gna ipit ya sang tuhod ya.. kung munuhon muh na siya ganei, I deny ya  pa na nga tulog siya.. when I graduated,he awarded me my medal.I can see it in his eyes, that he was so happy and proud..  when I stepped 18, partz was my 2^nd dance. Maski nabudlayan na siya mag saot2, gn saot ya ko jpun. Na sajahan gd na siya pag kumpleto kami sa balay niya.. maski gahod kag gamo, tulukon ya lng na kami kag mag kadlaw man. When partz was admitted, gn hambalan ya kami ni G.B na baklan siya knu namun shaver kay law ay na siya knu.. and everyone in the room just laugh. When he was sent back to the hospital , we were there from the ER to the ICU. And I can see how Partz struggled and fought His last battle.  From there I can say that he’s a very strong man. as I entered the ICU, I wanted to tell him lots of stuffs, but all I did was cry. 2 days after q pa nabal an na wala na si lolo.. I already had the feeling but it was the time pa nga nakita ko na siya lying in his coffin, tanan nag sink in na sakon.. wala na ko Lolo.. wala na si Partz..wala na ko mongo bread..

We may no longer see him but we’ll always have these special moments we shared with him. He will always have a special part in our hearts. Let’s just be thankful that we knew a great man like my grandfather. As what my tito nuk said pasalamat ka kay lolo mo so Guyo. Maski ano ka budlay, waay gd ga reklamo...

i love u partz.. <3 <3 <3